


Thorns & Brambles

by Rhianona



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Female Spencer, Gen, Mentioned Tobias Hankel, Therapy, allusions to sexism, allusions to torture, unfinished but might be continued
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-02
Updated: 2021-03-02
Packaged: 2021-03-15 11:34:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,148
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29807772
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rhianona/pseuds/Rhianona
Summary: Post Hankel, Spencer gets the help she needs and everything changes.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 8





	Thorns & Brambles

“Sometimes,” she says into the quiet, “sometimes, I wonder what my life would be like if I’d be born male.”

“Do you often question your gender?” 

She shakes her head in denial, a little upset that the other doesn’t understand her point. Her long fingers fidget and she aches to explain that gender dynamics have nothing to do with her comment. “I don’t want to be a man,” she settles for instead.

“But you wonder?” She shifts in her chair, the pad with her notes adjusted minutely, the pen (expensive and obviously a gift, not just for show but meant to inform a certain impression to the viewer on its user) arched just so to jot down whatever was perceived as important. “One can argue that you’ve thrived in the very masculine fields you’ve entered.”

A leading question if she’s ever heard one. “My mother was a literature professor,” she says instead. She laces her fingers together and lets her hair fall into her eyes. A comfortable movement for her and one her doctors wish she’d lose. 

The ticking clock sounds loudly in the room. A reminder that time marches onward, that she doesn’t live in a bubble, though it certainly feels it. Two months, two weeks, two days, twelve hours, and twenty-two minutes since Georgia, and Spencer still cannot verbalize what was done to her. 

She’s not used to being the victim. Not anymore.

***

She graduates high school at twelve, already a science and math geek, fascinated by the order and rules and laws that those subjects bring. Interpretation follows precise logic. It is structured, when she does not have any of her own. College is the logical step and she enters UNLV, only to breeze through the course material. She graduates with multiple Bachelor degrees in Chemistry, Mathematics, Physics, and Engineering.

At fourteen, she is first accused of ‘spreading her legs’ to get ahead. As if Caltech would admit her as a doctoral student for such a reason.

It is the first time but it won’t be the last.(She weathers the accusations again and again when she goes to MIT and back to Caltech and then to Georgetown.)

***

Two months, one week, five days, seven hours, and forty-five minutes ago, Spencer shoots and kills Tobias Hankel.

Two months, one week, five days, seven hours, and thirty-three minutes ago, Spencer lays down on a stretcher, her hand loosely held by Gideon as the EMTs efficiently work around him.

Two months, one week, five days, seven hours, and one minute ago, the ambulance screeches to a halt and she is admitted to the local hospital.

Two months, one week, five days, six hours, and 51 minutes ago, she presses two bottles of Dilaudid into the nurse’s hands.

***

“Do you blame your team for not finding you sooner?”

Spencer picks at her skirt. “No.”

“And Hankel?”

Pause. Frown. “He suffered from DID, dissociative identity disorder,” she says. “Tobias helped in the way he could, but Charles and Raphael were the stronger personalities. It was quite interesting, in an academic sense, how distinct the personalities were. It suggests - “

“Doctor Reid.” She is interrupted. Pause. Stop disassociating. Push down the statistics, the words. They are not important.

***

“I can’t blame Tobias for what Charles and Raphael did,” she says, two months, two weeks, three days, fifteen hours, and eight minutes after she first steps foot into the Clinic. “He was broken.”

“Do you regret killing him?”

“No.” 

“You sound very certain.”

She is. Out of everything that happened in Georgia, the one event she does not regret is ending Tobias’ tortured existence.

***

Jason Gideon recruits her for the FBI as she works on her third doctorate. He sees her accomplishments and covets her brain for his unit in a way no one else has. He doesn’t see her gender. This is why she agrees.

***

“I would like to return to something you said in an earlier session.”

“We can,” Spencer agrees, though she knows and the doctor knows that if she doesn’t want to talk about the topic, she will instead talk in circles, spouting facts and stream of consciousness.

“You said you wondered what your life would be like if you were born a man.”

Ah. That topic. So much of her life revolves around gender.

***

Spencer’s father walks out on her and her mom when she is eight. He will not take Spencer with him and even though her mom - lucid and not having any of her ‘episodes’ - tells her again and again that he doesn’t hate her, that his leaving is not her fault, Spencer can’t help but feel it is.

She wonders, if she hadn’t thrown out the Barbie doll he had gotten her or if she had played with the Cabbage Patch doll he gave her for Christmas or watched _Punky Brewster_ and _Rags to Riches_ and _My Little Pony_ , if she had stuck with the ballet and jazz and tap classes into which he enrolled her, whether he would have stayed.

If, if, if.

***

“We can waive some of the training,” Gideon says.

“I’m sorry, but what?” Spencer asks. She tucks a strand of hair behind her ear and taps her pen against the papers she is filling out. 

“The Academy training,” he repeats, patience tinging his voice.

Her brow furrows. “But why?”

“You’ll be a profiler. You don’t need all the skills a regular agent would need.”

She feels her face get hot and her lips thin. “No,” she says and shakes her head. Idly, she notes that her voice is even shaking. “I don’t want any more exceptions to be made for me.”

Gideon tilts his head and watches her. She holds her breath and wonders if this will be the end. His easy acceptance of her intelligence, the way he doesn’t ignore or brush aside the facts that just spill from her mouth - all of that made it easy for her to leave Caltech for Virginia. 

She’s not sure what she will do if he recants.

“All right,” he finally says. “But if you don’t pass all the classes, we’ll revisit the topic.” He pauses. “You don’t need to prove anything to anyone.”

She bends her head and lets her hair fall in front of her face. Easy for him to say.

***

“Do you feel your gender places you at a disadvantage?”

She ponders the question as she leans back into the chair, letting the cushion envelope and comfort her. Her doctor has asked variations of this question for the last eight sessions. Two months, three weeks, three days, thirteen hours, and thirty three minutes since she shot and killed (freed) Tobias.

“Sometimes,” she begins. “Sometimes, I wonder if my life would have been easier if I were born male. I don’t _want_ to be male. But I wonder.”

“You’ve entered a male-dominated field, your doctorates are as well.”

“I know.”

**Author's Note:**

> I just found this on my computer. I vaguely remember having an entire idea plotted out for this but I no longer have any idea where I planned to go from what's written. I have no idea if I'll ever continue this. I like it too much to hide it away.


End file.
